I am someone who, from the age of 13, has struggled with loneliness. When I was around 13-17, I went through a very big event which shaped the course of the rest of my life and made me the person I am today. As proud as I am to have come so far and been incredibly strong to get to where I am today, life has still had its ups and downs in a hark back to that time. The main thing being, loneliness.
I often look at friends and acquaintances with their, outwardly at least, stable relationships and tight-knit set of best pals and wish I could recreate that in my own life. I know I'm blessed to have a fantastic career and two supportive (albeit ageing) parents, but there's always something you feel like you're missing out on in life in some way and mine has always been a true feeling of belonging.
Years ago (8 years ago!) I joined the blogging community and that was a great help back then; lots of fellow ladies with the same tastes and interests as me who made me feel like a valuable voice at a time when I didn't feel valuable in my real life at all. But, as is the norm in life, nothing lasts forever and people change, grow and move on - even me! I look around now and those friendships (as well as uni friendships) have become something which has to be fitted in amongst work commitments, new relationships, marriages, upcoming engagements and house moves. And then I look at my own life and realise I barely have any of the same commitments, making it harder for me to relate to the people around me.
I purposefully bury myself in work and hope the feelings go away, but they never do. I'm still the one who's being asked, for example, "where are you going on holiday?" when I have no-one to share that with in the way that the majority of my friends do. I then look at my living arrangements and worry about the future I'll have living alone next year with no-one to come home to and care for like my friends do, whether through flatmates, family members or boyfriends. That's truly my worst nightmare and something that hurts to think about.
Perhaps it's also as a result of being treated badly by most men I've ever had any connection with (e.g. secret engagements to other women, being left in random stations at night alone, having girlfriends while dating me, dumping me at my lowest moment, being traded in for prettier girls and being treated as only good for one thing) that also makes it hard for me to relate. I just don't understand how people ever find healthy loving relationships in this day and age of Tinder, Bumble and all those other nonsense dating apps.
All of the above has meant my self esteem isn't in the best nick, and I've come to dislike the person I am purely for not being able to have a normal loving functioning relationship or people who won't mind me calling on them 24/7. It's a scary prospect to think my future, so far, is filled with me at home alone whilst friends plan weddings, go on fantastic adventures and plan for babies and house renovations. I want, with my whole heart, the same plans and the same exciting future to look forward to that friends have carved out for themselves; a life filled with people and family and never having to worry when the next time you see someone you love will be.
Anyway, this is a lengthy rant and I'm sorry to bring the tone down. Sometimes it's better to clear your head and get it all out in one, even if everything I ever say online I always think 'someone will think badly of me for this' or 'I don't want to push people away by doing this' - I can never win!
Do you ever feel truly alone? What makes you feel better?